The Eighth Sin
by L's Hope
Summary: When a new sin is born under troubling circumstances, what will Dante do? Meant to be a crackfic.


A/N: First fanfiction, I'm writing this mostly just to test out my account. It was supposed to be crack, but it doesn't seem very funny, so now it's just crap. T-T

**Warnings:** Probable OOCness, incorrect facts, and bad Spanish.

Please enjoy:

The Eighth Sin

Envy blinked, stared, then blinked some more. He nudged the heaving mas of bones, organs and assorted other human body parts© with his foot, unperturbed by the blood and various other gore© that surrounded it.

"Well...," he paused for a second, trying to give voice to the bewilderment he was feeling, "What are the chances of this happening?" It wasn't that Envy hadn't seen a new homunculus before, quite the opposite. He was the one who had to recruit all the newbies into Dante's little cult. No, the thing that left him slack-jawed about this one was the time of it's birth. It had taken over 400 years for just five homunculus to form, and yet three new ones were born just in this century? What kind of universe screw up was that?!

Getting over his shock of the week, Envy shrugged. Maybe the humans of this century were feeling particularly arrogant and angsty. It didn't really matter, and he had a job to do. The faster he got this homunculus to Dante, the faster he could get back to wandering about Amestris, starting wars, killing people, and generally causing panic. The usual.

He glanced at the new homunculus, who was mostly intact aside from a few stray limbs. At least he wasn't inside out like Sloth had been. It had been a pain figuring out how to get the red stones inside her stomach. He glanced down, and frowned. Great, he didn't have any stones on him. He hadn't been expecting to find another homunculus on this mission. He'd just have to do this the hard way.

In a flash of light a small bird stood in Envy's place. A cardinal to be exact. The bird wretched violently, in the manner most birds do when regurgitating food for their young to eat. Only instead of half digested worms, stones filled its beak. The bird spat them out, before changing back into Envy. Wiping his mouth disgustedly, the green-haired sin picked up the stones and put on his best "friendly smile." Although since this is Envy we're talking about, he looked more like a loon you'd meet at a carnival, the kind who scared all the kids away from the fun house and offered small children free candy.

"Eat some of these," he said, focusing all his will power on keeping the "friendly smile" on. He wasn't used to smiling non-psychotically. His eye twitched, and the smile twisted slightly from the strain. Over all, it was a very scary visage.

The sin on the floor gave him an "Are-you-fucking-kidding-me?!" look. "You want me to eat something you just puked up and then dropped on the floor? You can't be serious."

Envy twitched again, this time from irritation. The guy was bleeding all over the floor with an arm where his leg should have been, and he was worried about something as tedious as hygiene? "These things are really good. They'll will make you feel all better!" his smile widened even more, making him look a bit like a clown who had decided he'd rather slit peoples throats then make them laugh.

The other man just stared at him. "I'm dying here and you're offering me _drugs_?!"

"Oh just eat the goddamn stones!!" Envy snarled, shoving them into the guy's mouth. He gagged, before swallowing them and looking at Envy reproachfully. Then he gasped, as the transformation into a full fledged homunculus started. Envy, bored by something he'd seen several times all ready, took out his game boy and started virtually killing people. Not nearly as good as the real thing, but at least the game played cheery music every time the death toll increased.

A few hours later, they arrived at Dante's mansion. Envy marched up to Dante's Throne room (otherwise known as the parlor) and banged on the door. "Open the door, you old hag!"

"Shut the hell up!" Dante screamed from inside. "I'm trying to watch my favorite soap opera!"

"How can you?!" Envy shouted back. "The only channels we get are in Spanish!"

"I'm learning Spanish! ¡Ahora cierre el jode arriba, usted pedazo de mierda de dragón!"

Envy, fed up with this whole conversation, and sour because he'd died thirty six times in the game he'd been playing, smashed the door in with a swift kick. Dante gasped.

"How dare you! Didn't I say you were only allowed to smash replaceable furniture?!"

Envy ignored her. He shoved the newest homunculus forward. "Some idiot made another one of us."

Dante blinked. "Really? Well, damn." She glared at the man. "You've completely ruined my theme! Each one of the homunculi has been named after one of the seven deadly sin, creating a theme of names that were both evil and witty! Then you had to come along and mess it up! There can't be an _Eighth_ deadly sin!"

She turned back to the TV with a sigh. "Normally I'd imprison you somewhere until one of the other homunculi get killed off, and then replace them with you. But I'm PMSing, my favorite door just got smashed down, and a character I liked was just booted off the show. I think I'm just going to kill you instead. GLUTTONY!"

At the sound of his name, Gluttony appeared, with Lust at his side. "Yes?" she said.

"Have Gluttony dispose of this man," Dante said dismissively, already entranced in her soap opera. Gluttony gave a squeal of joy, which was rather disturbing to witness, and ran towards the unnamed homunculus.

"We really need to teach him better table manners," Lust commented offhandedly, as they watched him messily devour his latest victim. "Gluttony! Try not to get blood all over the carpet this time!"

Envy just scowled and slunk out of the room, grumbling under his breath. "I hate OCs."

–

So... R&R? Please?


End file.
